Kakashi's Talk
by wolfrun1
Summary: When our favorite perverted jounin, Hatake Kakashi, teaches the rookie nine plus three about sex. It won't be pretty, but it will be funny. Pretty damn funny.


When Hatake Kakashi walked into the large classroom, his visible eye scanned over all nine of the rookies' faces. Each was in a desk and chatting with the people surrounding them. Well not all of them, one was sleeping at his desk and another was eating.

"Okay, okay." Kakashi spoke over the voices of the preteens. "Quiet down." He waited a few minutes for the room to become dead silent. Kakashi was about to speak again but before he could, Kiba raised his hand.

"Yes, Inuzaka?"

"Hey, man. That Hokage, Sarutobi, never told us why we had to come here." Kiba complained in his ruff voice. Akumaru yipped. "What are we all doing back in the classroom? We graduated, like, two months ago." Everyone began to mumble 'yeah's and nod their heads in agreement.

"Settle down, class." Kakashi ordered. "You're here because—" At that exact moment the door flew open and slammed against the wall.

"Ahh! Kakashi, my eternal rival!" Guess who. "I am sorry to interrupt this very youthful gathering, but the Hokage has requested that my team join in the discussion." Gai's eyes twinkled as he posed.

Neji, Ten Ten, and Lee all calmly walked through the door and took a seat. Lee sat next to the first pretty girl he saw (through his eyes, that girl was Sakura). Neji sat next to him and then Ten Ten stepped over Neji and then squished herself in between her two teammates. Neji turned to look her in the eyes, confusion clearly present in the pale blue circles.

"What?" Ten Ten smiled. "I hate being on the end."

"Well, I'm off!" Gai said as he struck his 'nice guy' pose. "May this lecture enlighten your youthful minds."

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee shouted and stood up, giving his own 'nice guy' pose. Neji and Ten Ten sweat dropped.

"Nice posing, Lee!" Gai slammed the door behind him as he left.

"Well," Kakashi began. "As I was saying, the reason you have been asked to come here—"

"We weren't asked anything." Sasuke mumbled in his aisle seat next to Naruto. Kakashi gave him a warning glare that didn't really seem to faze the young Uchiha.

"You're here because you have all been entered into the chuunin exams." Kakashi held up his hands to silence anyone who was about to make a comment. "In the past, there have been a few…incidents. Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, people do die; and yes, the experience does change you mentally as much as it does physically. But that's not why you're here." Kakashi walked over to the chalk board behind him and began to write across it in big, bold letters: SEXUAL EDUCATION. He then underlined the words a few times. There were gasps all around the room and then the questions piled up.

"Why do we need to learn this?"

"Why didn't we learn this while we were still in school?"

"Yeah, shouldn't the other non-graduates have to learn about this too?"

"What does 'sexual' mean?" The questions momentarily stopped flowing when Naruto blurted his out.

"There's one reason, right there, of why you should be taught these things." Kakashi pointed at the hyperactive blonde.

"But why are _you_ teaching us?" Shikamaru asked, sleep still hovering in his eyes.

"Can you think of a better person?" The masked man asked the brunette.

"Asuma-sensei." The answer was so simple. "Out of all the jounin, he's the only on actually doing it."

"You can't forget about Kurenai-sensei." Shino added. "As they say, it takes two to tango."

"Enough." Kakashi interrupted the whispering that had started after Shino's response. "To answer your question, the reason those two could not be here is _because_ they were out _doing_ something."

Silence.

"Okay, I'm going to pass around this shuriken holster. I want everyone to write down a question and then put it in the pouch." Kakashi pulled his holster off of his leg and emptied it. He then handed it to the first student, who then passed it along.

When they were all finished, Kakashi walked over the teacher's desk and sat down on top of it. He proceeded to take out the first question.

"Where can you get condoms?" He read the question out loud. Naruto raised his hand. "A condom is something you put over your dick before having sex." Naruto lowered his hand. "You can buy them at the pharmacy down the street. They'll be sitting on the rack next to the KY jelly and the hair care products." Naruto raised his hand again. "KY jelly is a kind of lubricant." The hand was still raised. Sasuke whispered something into Naruto's ear, the blonde blushed, and then the hand was down.

"When is the right time to have sex?" Kakashi read the next question. "The answer is simple, when you're over eighteen. Now I know some of your parents will say 'wait until your married' or 'if you come to me with a baby and no ring on your finger, I'm throwing you out on the street' but I also know that, as kids, you probably won't listen to them. So wait until you're a legal adult before you go and make decisions like that.

"Is it possible to just …'pull out'?" Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Pull out?" was the question heard all around the room.

"What does that mean?"

"Who wrote that question?"

"Neji, you're smart, right?" Lee turned to the byakugan. "What does 'pull out' mean?" Neji was silent for a minute as he absorbed the question. He obviously had not been paying attention before.

"When two people are having…sex, the male's sperm are ejaculated into the female shortly after the penis is inserted. The popular term for this is 'cum'." Neji didn't look very comfortable with everyone staring at him the way they were.

"But what does 'pull out' mean?" Ino yelled from across the room. Shikamaru turned to her.

"What do you have to put _in_ to pull _out_!"

Silence is golden.

"Moving on." Kakashi pulled out another sheet of paper. "Is it okay to cry after having sex? Who wrote this?" Nobody moved. "I'm not going to answer this until I find out why this was asked." Still, no one responded. "Fine.

"Does it hurt to give birth?" The jounin moved on. "I wouldn't know the answer to that, seeing as I'm not a girl.."

"…!" Kakashi's eyes went from shocked to annoyed as he looked at the next folded paper. "This is not funny." He turned the paper around so that everyone could see it. There were a few giggles from everywhere but the back row where Ino, Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, and Hinata sat.

"What is it?" Ino asked.

"I don't know." Sakura squinted. "I can't really see it."

"I-it's a p-penis." Hinata stuttered. Sasuke's eyes shot from the window to the front of the room. Kiba started laughing as he high-fived Naruto. Kakashi balled up the paper and then shot it into the trash can, earning himself a three-pointer.

"Why do we need to know this before the chuunin exams?" Kakashi read from the next sheet. "Because every year, people from many different countries of many different age groups enter into these exams. And every once in a while, some girls have had to drop out because of a pregnancy. But even if you don't care about that or if you're not a girl, you still have to worry about it. Do you really want to have to take responsibility for a baby when you just started working as a ninja—a job that is already life-threatening? And what if you do it with someone from an entirely different village? Long distance relationships are stressful enough when you make them because you want them. I don't even want to imagine what a forced one would be like." Kakashi looked up at the clock and then sighed. "It looks like I have time for two more questions.

"Why do girls react so dramatically when a guy breaks up with them? The truth is, that normally only happens if the two have had sex. When a girl has sex, a chemical reaction takes place in her head that connects her emotionally to the guy. When that guy leaves, the connection is still there. Sometimes, that's one of the ways that you can tell a girl has had sex. It all depends on how long it takes for her to get over it.

"Okay, last question. Why do some guys break up with girls after they sleep with them? Well. That's easy! Either the girl is really bad in bed or the only reason the guy hooked up with her to begin with was because he wanted some easy booty." Kakashi clapped his hands together. "Alright, my work here is done! Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. We have a mission in three hours. Don't be late just because you know I will be." And the man _poofed_ away.

Silence. It was the only noise heard in that room for the next two hours.

THE END

How did you like it. I based it off of a meeting I went to about two weeks ago. Everything I wrote down really happened. Even the part about the KY jelly being next to the hair care products, that's all true. Please review. It encourages me to write.


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